In Front of the Camera
Showing myself involves a degree of inner nakedness. Breaking the silence anchored deep inside. But also, preserving my intimacy, avoiding any exercise of self-exhibition and searching inside me for transparency and light, in contrast to so many moments and periods of darkness, of occlusive suffocation, that have been left behind.
Writing these notes is not a literary exercise. Nor is it an excuse to hide the grief I have felt so many times; I still need to cover up and silence the pain I could have caused to the people who love me, with this self-destructive ideation.
Putting myself in front of the camera has awakened much more the sense of living. It has triggered, even more, the untangling of the knots that were binding me, those that could have led me to self-destruction. However, this episode and many others have been an open door to the immensity of experiences and emotions that give meaning to life. Among them, here I am, alone, naked inside, in front of the spotlights that project light onto me, and the result is a fabric of vital links.
Thus, I immerse myself into a gigantic and creative experience, bright and loving, that has always accompanied me. It is the other gaze, the one that finds itself facing the light, to restart, always, every day, to overcome anxieties, to reject letting oneself go. That is how I sometimes still recognize the limits, close to the abyss, that is how I find the strength to stay present.
Here you are, reading me, looking at me, talking to or about me. Like an awakening, an invitation to collaborate, to share, to watch, to chat, through a healing journey, setting foot on the ground, disclosed, feeling the beat that always accompanies me: searching to share and embrace, although within the depressive cloud that has often taken over me with the toughest pain of the soul.
You are the people who are closest to me. Those who love me, those who I love. Feeling that this is the motivation, the constant call to life, to creativity, to struggle, to hope. I am with all of you, as defined by the word UBUNTU, which puts us on the path of collective synergy. We owe each other. Therefore, connected with you, I have made my way and kept a constant and calm hug for you. The tenderness that brings lightness, the strength that in a brotherly way makes us move on.
I understand walking collectively, strengthening the inner gaze. Inside the skin and blood that gives me strength and shapes my body. As a man in a complex world for a man who wants to be free, seeking to release myself from the armour of an often contracted, disengaged masculinity. Constantly challenged, accepting vulnerability. Breaking the prisons of a hegemonic model, which I need to get rid of.
I am attentive, opening my eyes accompanied by others who, in a similar way, travel with me overcoming the same obstacles. Breaking complicit silences and treacherous indifferences, leading me to a path that confirms that we are equals in our transit.
Falling apart again is possible, but it is less likely if you are accompanied. I invite you to come with me!
Pere Fullana Falconer January 14, 2021